Fairytale Fights is a bit misleading.

My first meeting at E3 took place with Playlogic, creators of Obscure and and Age of Pirates (both of which I've never played). I had planned to see Obscure: The Aftermath, but instead was ushered in to a room where I was greeted with Fairtale Fights, a "hack and slash platform adventure."

The game, played from the perspective of one of four heroines from well-known fairy tales (we previewed little red riding hood and snow white), takes place in a world in which you (as the character) have lost your fame and want it back, real bad. Bad enough to hurt someone. Bad enough to kill.

I'm not quite sure how to describe this game other than by calling it a side-scrolling, gory rendition of what fairy tales would be like if they existed in a world in which people split in half and/or their heads rolled off at the flick of a wrist.

We were given a demonstration of the first level, in which you fight loggers who are upset with you for stealing their gold or something equally as magically tragic. The loggers, all equipped with logging axes and logging fists, pummel the ever-loving crap out of you until you take an axe to their face. This is where the 'fun' begins -- for you see, when you finish off a character, a small split screen appears, and in this screen the enemy is splayed in two depending on which way you swing the axe.

They call this 'salami violence' (alright) and describe it as having "control over how and when to slice and dice [your] enemies." In other words, if you swing the axe diagonally your enemy will slide off of his body in a diagonal fashion. The 'volumetric liquid system,' another Playlogic innovation, is described as "allowing blood and other liquids to seamlessly blend together." Our demonstrator showed us the detailed system by having red riding hood slide around in a pool of blood as if she were wearing skates.

It's an incredibly violent game, and there's nothing wrong with that, though it doesn't seem to really make any sense. I was kind of hoping to be able to play as the Big Bad Wolf and maul Grandma or the Easter Bunny.

We saw a few different levels, ranging from the logging forest to a candy castle, in which little children followed you around licking the walls until they grew fat and ended up being chopped to pieces in some sort of whirring dirvish. Fabulous.

There's an online or offline co-op mode, in which you can aide or hinder your friends. This seemed like the most promising part of the game.

But, for a game coming out on the 360 and the PS3, it looks a little dinky. Before blood started pouring out of the enemies, I mistook it for a game meant for a younger audience. It seems to be stuck between being adult-anger vs. cartoon-animation. Not sure how I feel about that.

Also, why didn't I know about burlesque video game show during E3?! Why didn't I know? ... Why?

E3 Hunger Strike! Take it alllllllll!!!!

Kind of like finding out that you have testicular cancer, the feeling of having no more free games to play hits me like finding out that I have testicular cancer. I'm sitting at home, watching Barefoot Contessa on the Food Network and all I can think about was that Food Network video game coming out. I could almost smell the steak as an electronic chef tenderized it as it grilled. Ah, the future of technology.

I'm sorry if I seem to be going off on a tangent about food, I'm rather hungry in more ways than one. I'm hungry for steak, for sure, but I'm also hungry for the video games I got a mere taste of at E3. These are the games I shall dub "Games I would love to eat if I could," and you should consider them golden in my eyes. Good enough to eat, we'll say. That'll be the award's name for this blog.

E3 brought with it a hundred thousand million different games with which to burn an image on to your retinas with, and the one that kept me coming back for more was Batman: Arkham Asylum. I spoke briefly about it in an earlier post, but I kind of only diddled the topic of being able to actually fight like the Dark Knight. Imagine throwing one creamy punch after another as you baste your enemie's porkchops with sweet justice, only to see another bacon sneaking up on you. In any other game, you're boned, you'd be raped from behind while the other guy tweaks your pancetta with his knuckles. Not in Batman: Arkham Asylum.

By pressing the 'counter' button (in this case, for the PS3 version I played, it was the triangle button), you will perform a counter. In other words, Batman will grab the incoming tender loin, twist, and in a reversal of fortune the enemy will either be downed by a ham-fisted fist to the face or an open-faced club to the gut. Batman doesn't stop and neither should you. No one sneaks up on buttery Batman.

I'm turning off the Food Network now, I apologize. I am just so hungry!

Good Enough to Eat: Batman: Arkham Asylum! Look for it in August.

The wonderful Aileen Viray of Tecmo gave me a personalized tour of their booth, starting with 'Quantum,' an action/third-person shooter title that resembles a mix between heaven and hell and sweet sassy mollassy. I mean to say, Lovecraft meets Hellraiser. That's what 'sweet sassy mollassy' will mean from here on.

You're a badass with an X on your face, whipping out weapons and flinging women at enemies as you traverse narrow staircases and climb slippery poles on your way to the top of a tower to stop an 'evil erosion' that's destroying your world. This is the basic story, the woman flinging is optional but I wouldn't recommend skipping it. Your co-character is named Feleena; she's platinum haired and scantily clad. That's all you need to know.

Yasua Egawa, team leader of the Consumer Development Team and Producer of Quantum, explained details to me about the fighting mechanics and what not, saying that there will be a real mix of action and platforming, as the world around you changes all the time. The 'evil erosion' causes the tower you're climbing to warp and bridges/stairs to become like pudding. He didn't say they would become like pudding but I'm assuming that they will.

Good Enough to Eat: Quantum! Out 2010.

I got a chance to touch Ninja Gaiden Sigma 2, and touch it I did. I played as Ayane of Dead or Alive and your wet dreams fame. I am really terrible at games. Pretty much every game, apparently. I jumped around, throwing daggers with pretty flowers attached to the ends, and I was brutalized by the enemies. Ninja Gaiden (for the Xbox) was infamous for being impossibly difficult; this one doesn't look half as hard, based solely on the fact that I got passed a few of the enemies before being run through.

Help me Lord, Barefoot Contessa just took chicken breasts out of the fridge, she's going to fuckin' cook 'em! I know I told you that I changed the channel but son I'm hungry.

Good Enough to Eat: Barefoot Contessa! I'm going to eat you.

I went to the Square Enix compound afterward and was told for the first time that I couldn't take a picture. Who do they think they are? One of the most renowned video game studios in the world, responsible for genre defining titles such as Final Fantasy VII and the emmy nominated, award winning, box office record busting film Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within?

Dissidia Final Fantasy is fun! That's my official, professional writer's review of it. I was Cloud, I walked on walls and slashed at Sephiroth and the Tidus, and then I put the PSP down and went away. One of Square's own QA testers told me that she wouldn't play the game very often, maybe on the train to work. If that isn't an endorsement you can get behind I don't know what is!

Good Enough for Left Overs on the Train: Dissidia Final Fantasy!

Hell, throw in Final Fantasy: The Crystal Bearers alongside it! Play it on the god damn train! Family-friendly, third person action title in which fighting involves shooting and shooting involves flying a large aircraft, at least in the demo. I wasn't all the impressed (if you couldn't tell) but then again I wasn't paying that much attention; a guy beside me was coughing violently, and it was then, holding that Wii-mote, that I realized I should have bought a thing of hand sanitizer.

Good Enough to Catch Swine Flu: Contaminated Wii-mote!

Alright, where am I. Ah, right. I'm trying to get my thoughts together but I'm thinking of dinner at the same time... what should I have for dinner? Soybeans!

King of Fighters XII is gorgeous, fun, delicious. I could feel myself falling back in to my Capcom vs. SNL days. Me as Iori, my friend Derek as Garth from Wayne's World. My only real complaint is that Iori was completely unfamiliar; no more fireballs for the red-haired menace. Orochi my ass! More like ... no-bochi am I right?

The arenas were what you would expect from a KOF title; kind of corny, kind of racist, all cartoony. Lots of annoying announcers yelling at you, mocking your testicular cancer, making you hungry with a tropical barbeque sauce. This is going to be one amazing meal! Get ready!

Good Enough to Eat: King of Fighters XII! Keepin' it real in an ethnic neighborhood, let's fight!

Took up Zombie Apocalypse, put it down after realizing that I've played Super Smash TV a lot as a child and don't want to again. Hm. This is getting rather long! Maybe another update tomorrow? Good idea, I'm going to go get one tablespoon of crab boil seasoning DAMMIT. Get off of my television, At Home with the Neelys!

I have a flickr up with just about every picture I took, but not all of them because of their artificial limit and my unwillingness to buy a pro account. Ch-ch-check it out! Winnnnnk!


Did I mention I saw Verne Troyer?! Click on Verne Troyer to see all of E3! Transform and Roll out!!!