The final countdown (is very long indeed)

Consider this the bookend to my E3 updates. Hundreds of games were demonstrated at E3 this year, from the very small independent publishers to the very large, all consuming massive corporate developers such as EA. Only a few really caught my attention, however, and thus we begin:

Mass Effect 2

Considered by many to be one of those 'invisible' titles, having slipped mostly under the radar at E3 due to a lack of floor presence, it's buzz is kicking in to high gear in the week following. On Thursday the 4th, I was lucky enough to be ushered in to the private meeting room at the EA booth where the widely available trailer was played, followed by an in-game demo.

The first thing you'll notice about the new Mass Effect is that you don't have to pause to use biotics ('magic'). This new freeflow combat system (which seems to be the buzz word (see Batman)) makes the fighting experience intense and personal; no more pausing for a brief moment before that missile kicks you square in the goonies.

But I had seen this before -- the day before, actually, when I snuck in to the Bioware room to preview The Saboteur -- and was surprised to see the game being played as if it were a casual party and I was cool enough to be invited (I'm never cool enough).

I'll say this -- it's a beautiful game. As Shepherd (Yeah, he's not dead) looked out over the city, you could see the Blade Runner/Minority Report influence as flying cars zipped by.

The most shocking moment of the demo came when we were told that we would be given a spoiler (That should be your cue that thar be spoilers here): Someone was going to be dying in the following clip.

Spooooillllerrrrrrrrrrr warrrrrnnninnnng. Don't read if you want to be absolutely, positively virginal upon buying the game.

We are thrust aboard the Normandy in pitiful condition. Joker (still voiced by Seth Green) is struggling valiantly to keep the wailing vessel alive, but an attack by a much more powerful enemy has rendered it useless. Shepherd demands everyone to evacuate, but Joker won't. So he goes after him and drags his crippled ass to an evac pod, where he tosses him in and then is promptly blown out of the ship through the open roof and sent hurling in to space.

Yeah. For a moment I thought, "So, Shepherd's going to cling on to some debris and be rescued, right?" But the following scene showed a weightless Shepherd clutching on to his leaking space suit as the oxygen is sucked out of him and he goes limp.

This is a game in which you are not expected to survive. I'm not just saying that; Casey Hudson, the project director is. "In Mass Effect 2, you're not expected to survive." For this very reason, the game will focus on building a strong, trustworthy team who can see to it that you actually do survive to carry over in to Mass Effect 3. This should be a must-have for any gamer, and if you haven't played the first, play it! Your save will carry over in to this installment, and the decisions you've made -- whether they be important or trivial -- will effect your game play experience.

Heavy Rain

Like Mass Effect 2, there was little effort by EA to promote Heavy Rain during E3. However, that hasn't stopped a growing community of fans from following it.

Heavy Rain is a game that looks more like a psychological thriller movie, set in a bleak world where the villain, the Origami Killer, has murdered several people and plans on murdering more, leaving an origami bird next to each victim. The game, played out over 60+ chapters, isn't meant to be played in a linear fashion. Instead, you jump between characters (four of them) and your decisions affect the story as it progresses. If a character dies, he or she stays dead. I'm also adding Alan Wake to this category, though it looks and feels more like Silent Hill than the movie Se7en.

These three titles make up a trifecta of immersive game play experiences coming out this year and the next that should keep fans of the genre busy, from science fiction to supernatural horror.

But there's always room for...

Super Mario Galaxy 2

Oh look a new Mario game from the creators of Mario from the land of Mario. I'm just going to show you what it looks like and you're going to tell me that you'll play it, because face it, you're going to.

In blog related news, this blog will be changing formats to a strictly news and opinion format starting with the next update. Consider Bioschlock! to be your #1 source of video game news outside of every other video game related site. Now back to your regularly scheduled program, Glee! The TV show about being unpopular in high school.

Stop: Mass Effect 2 time!

Yesterday was part one of my major E3 post-show extravaganza. Today will see #2, but for the moment I will leave you with this extended trailer for Mass Effect 2! The game was my favorite seen at the show, behind closed doors. I'll have an extensive write up about it later... replete with spoilers! Beware!

E3 Hunger Strike! Take it alllllllll!!!!

Kind of like finding out that you have testicular cancer, the feeling of having no more free games to play hits me like finding out that I have testicular cancer. I'm sitting at home, watching Barefoot Contessa on the Food Network and all I can think about was that Food Network video game coming out. I could almost smell the steak as an electronic chef tenderized it as it grilled. Ah, the future of technology.

I'm sorry if I seem to be going off on a tangent about food, I'm rather hungry in more ways than one. I'm hungry for steak, for sure, but I'm also hungry for the video games I got a mere taste of at E3. These are the games I shall dub "Games I would love to eat if I could," and you should consider them golden in my eyes. Good enough to eat, we'll say. That'll be the award's name for this blog.

E3 brought with it a hundred thousand million different games with which to burn an image on to your retinas with, and the one that kept me coming back for more was Batman: Arkham Asylum. I spoke briefly about it in an earlier post, but I kind of only diddled the topic of being able to actually fight like the Dark Knight. Imagine throwing one creamy punch after another as you baste your enemie's porkchops with sweet justice, only to see another bacon sneaking up on you. In any other game, you're boned, you'd be raped from behind while the other guy tweaks your pancetta with his knuckles. Not in Batman: Arkham Asylum.

By pressing the 'counter' button (in this case, for the PS3 version I played, it was the triangle button), you will perform a counter. In other words, Batman will grab the incoming tender loin, twist, and in a reversal of fortune the enemy will either be downed by a ham-fisted fist to the face or an open-faced club to the gut. Batman doesn't stop and neither should you. No one sneaks up on buttery Batman.

I'm turning off the Food Network now, I apologize. I am just so hungry!

Good Enough to Eat: Batman: Arkham Asylum! Look for it in August.

The wonderful Aileen Viray of Tecmo gave me a personalized tour of their booth, starting with 'Quantum,' an action/third-person shooter title that resembles a mix between heaven and hell and sweet sassy mollassy. I mean to say, Lovecraft meets Hellraiser. That's what 'sweet sassy mollassy' will mean from here on.

You're a badass with an X on your face, whipping out weapons and flinging women at enemies as you traverse narrow staircases and climb slippery poles on your way to the top of a tower to stop an 'evil erosion' that's destroying your world. This is the basic story, the woman flinging is optional but I wouldn't recommend skipping it. Your co-character is named Feleena; she's platinum haired and scantily clad. That's all you need to know.

Yasua Egawa, team leader of the Consumer Development Team and Producer of Quantum, explained details to me about the fighting mechanics and what not, saying that there will be a real mix of action and platforming, as the world around you changes all the time. The 'evil erosion' causes the tower you're climbing to warp and bridges/stairs to become like pudding. He didn't say they would become like pudding but I'm assuming that they will.

Good Enough to Eat: Quantum! Out 2010.

I got a chance to touch Ninja Gaiden Sigma 2, and touch it I did. I played as Ayane of Dead or Alive and your wet dreams fame. I am really terrible at games. Pretty much every game, apparently. I jumped around, throwing daggers with pretty flowers attached to the ends, and I was brutalized by the enemies. Ninja Gaiden (for the Xbox) was infamous for being impossibly difficult; this one doesn't look half as hard, based solely on the fact that I got passed a few of the enemies before being run through.

Help me Lord, Barefoot Contessa just took chicken breasts out of the fridge, she's going to fuckin' cook 'em! I know I told you that I changed the channel but son I'm hungry.

Good Enough to Eat: Barefoot Contessa! I'm going to eat you.

I went to the Square Enix compound afterward and was told for the first time that I couldn't take a picture. Who do they think they are? One of the most renowned video game studios in the world, responsible for genre defining titles such as Final Fantasy VII and the emmy nominated, award winning, box office record busting film Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within?

Dissidia Final Fantasy is fun! That's my official, professional writer's review of it. I was Cloud, I walked on walls and slashed at Sephiroth and the Tidus, and then I put the PSP down and went away. One of Square's own QA testers told me that she wouldn't play the game very often, maybe on the train to work. If that isn't an endorsement you can get behind I don't know what is!

Good Enough for Left Overs on the Train: Dissidia Final Fantasy!

Hell, throw in Final Fantasy: The Crystal Bearers alongside it! Play it on the god damn train! Family-friendly, third person action title in which fighting involves shooting and shooting involves flying a large aircraft, at least in the demo. I wasn't all the impressed (if you couldn't tell) but then again I wasn't paying that much attention; a guy beside me was coughing violently, and it was then, holding that Wii-mote, that I realized I should have bought a thing of hand sanitizer.

Good Enough to Catch Swine Flu: Contaminated Wii-mote!

Alright, where am I. Ah, right. I'm trying to get my thoughts together but I'm thinking of dinner at the same time... what should I have for dinner? Soybeans!

King of Fighters XII is gorgeous, fun, delicious. I could feel myself falling back in to my Capcom vs. SNL days. Me as Iori, my friend Derek as Garth from Wayne's World. My only real complaint is that Iori was completely unfamiliar; no more fireballs for the red-haired menace. Orochi my ass! More like ... no-bochi am I right?

The arenas were what you would expect from a KOF title; kind of corny, kind of racist, all cartoony. Lots of annoying announcers yelling at you, mocking your testicular cancer, making you hungry with a tropical barbeque sauce. This is going to be one amazing meal! Get ready!

Good Enough to Eat: King of Fighters XII! Keepin' it real in an ethnic neighborhood, let's fight!

Took up Zombie Apocalypse, put it down after realizing that I've played Super Smash TV a lot as a child and don't want to again. Hm. This is getting rather long! Maybe another update tomorrow? Good idea, I'm going to go get one tablespoon of crab boil seasoning DAMMIT. Get off of my television, At Home with the Neelys!

I have a flickr up with just about every picture I took, but not all of them because of their artificial limit and my unwillingness to buy a pro account. Ch-ch-check it out! Winnnnnk!


Did I mention I saw Verne Troyer?! Click on Verne Troyer to see all of E3! Transform and Roll out!!!

E3, Day 1, the kill me express.

E3 isn't a demonstration of unfinished games. It isn't a marketing hurricane for entertainment peripherals. It is a trip to the zoo, where you are the animal and there are no visitors and there are no walls. Every exhibit is open to wander in to, whether conscious of it or not, and every exhibitor is there to doll out cards, flash drives, and/or swine flu.

With that said, I somehow wandered in to the LA Convention center on this, the day of my daughter's wedding, to do what I do -- report on things and take pictures of things and also bump in to a few big people. No biggie (but they were).

First thing's first. Nintendo's press conference. Whoooa, I know what you're thinking -- "Chris, how the hell did you get in to the Nintendo press conference?!" The answer is I did not get in to the Nintendo press conference. I got in to the overflow theater down the street, which wasn't so bad except we all were made to feel like step children.

We were introduced to three things that actually made sense: Super Mario Galaxy 2 (Wii), Kingdom Hearts 368/2 (DS), a new Golden Sun (DS), and Metroid: Other M. These are three games that will be must-haves in the near future, 2010 being the latest to be released. It was a surprise to see that they've partnered with Team Ninja (Ninja Gaiden, Dead or Alive) to bring it out. Should be interesting...

But for F's sake, it's a video game system, not a life-saving medical device. Give me a break. This is the peripheral that will let you know when your heart stops working after playing Wii Resort for an hour and a half. Nintendo has fallen behind Sony and Microsoft in the gaming business, so now they are trying to appeal to an audience that wants nothing more than a personal trainer, or in this case (look at this freaking thing. Look at it and you tell me if you're going to put it on your finger) a personal physician to watch that murmor Uncle Floyd has been bitching about for a year. I get it, you're overweight.

After the snorefest that was Nintendo's overflow hour-that-took-three, I hopped on a party bus to the Sony press conference. This one wasn't so easy to get in to. There, I waited in a group of about five or six other souls like myself who hadn't RSVP'd for the conference to see if we'd be let in. About three minutes before it began, they opened the gates for everyone and we bum rushed nothing in particular.

Key moments of the Playstation conference: Uncharted 2 looks utterly amazing. Imagine Indiana Jones set in modern times, playable on the Playstation 3 (and doesn't suck). Also a few announcements that were made. Get this -- Final Fantasy IX. Not XIII, IX. Thirteen hasn't even come out yet and they showed a demo. Sure, it's going to be an online MMO, but it's a testament to the developers that they can come out with two franchise games back to back like this. Actually, we'll see if they hold up their end of the bargain. What bargain, I don't know. I never spoke with anyone regarding a bargain.

And not to mention their own version of immersive gameplay. This is the year of the "get your ass in to the game" accesories, what with Project Natal, Wii's 360 degree extension, and now the PS3 Wii-mote. Everyone's going to want a love-making simulator real soon.

After that it was off to the convention center. At around 1:30 I arrived with half an hour until my personal demonstration of the game 'Fairytale Fights' with Playlogic. Unfortunately, I can't speak about it until June 10th, so check back here then for that.

The rest of the day was spent gathering my bearings. I'm alone, lost in this wilderness of flashing lights and booth babes (as you can see to the left). The only thing for me to do was to introduce myself to as many people as possible, whether they were developers, marketing folks, or just regular old idiots like myself.

One of the most impressive games on display is Bayonetta, the action game from SEGA coming this year. Looks like a mash-up of Blood Rayne and sex. Honestly, I don't know how I'm going to be able to play this game what with cold water pouring down my back at all times.

Ahhh, wait a minute. I remember. God of War III. Looks like God of War II and God of War I. If you liked either, you'll like this. Graphics are amazing (they always are during demonstrations) and the mechanics don't seem too off. Extremely gorey. You knew that already.

The most impressive booth goes to the Batman: Arkham Asylum people at Warner Bros. Interactive. Talk about a dream come true... sort of. I don't know if I'd want to wake up in Arkham Asylum, so this will do. The game played amazingly well. I honestly thought that it was going to be another Batman & Robin for the Gamecube or Das Boot to my goonies. Batman games haven't been good, pretty much ever. This one is different. Imagine taking a fist to your best friend's face. That's how it felt to play Arkham Asylum.

Not only was it a very well done booth, they actually let me speak with a developer. Correction: two developers! Lowly ol' me. Maybe they thougth I was someone important!

I spoke with the Director of the game, Sefton Hill, and Paul Crocker, the lead narrative designer, who told me some pretty exciting things about developing the game, working with Mark Hamill and the original cast of Batman: The Animated Series, and being fans of Batman in general.

"The best thing about Batman is that he's for everyone. Batman Brave and the Bold, Lego Batman, [Batman: Arkham Asylum], and the Dark Knight!" -- Paul Crocker.

He assured me that there wouldn't be any violent stabbing or bleeding (and there really shouldn't be in a Batman game. Come on!), but this one isn't necessarily for the kiddies. The game's story had several additions made to it due to Mark Hammel's performance. "[Mark Hamill] just had so much energy. He really wowed everyone." I asked Sefton Hill if it was his performance that brought them to create the PS3 exclusive Joker missions, to which he replied that it had a lot to do with it.

Expect additional content for the game based on the hype alone, hopefully soon after release. Arkham Asylum is released on August 25th.

I'm currently in the process of uploading quite a few pictures to photobucket or whatever the hell it's called, so when I get 'em up I'll post the link here.

I'll be at the show tomorrow. My schedule thus far:

Aliens vs. Predator: 10:30 AM
Ninja Gaiden: 2:30 PM

If you have any questions or comments, or want me to do something specific for you, let me know and I'll do my best. I am at your disposal at E3, use me!

Pictures I took can be found here (not all of them, I got tired of waiting for the upload.)

Kotaku Party, Microsoft and others having a press conference without me.

Just when I was starting to feel special about being able to go to E3, I realize that I'm not *that* special. The press conferences are going on today and I either can't get in or I have other things to attend to that keeps me from trying to force my way in. Oh well.

Last night was the Kotaku E3 party, held at the Golden Gopher bar in downtown Los Angeles. The entirety of the street outside of the bar reeked of urine, and I feared for our safety before going in, but then we ran in to a few friends who were there for some reason and ended up having a blast.

Above here you can see Kratos from the God of War 3 trailer playing on a very large screen in the bar. Beside me was the DJ, spinning fat beats such as the theme song from 'Mirror's Edge' and also probably something from Donkey Kong. Overall, there were about 90 men for every 1 woman, though some of the men had much larger breasts than any of the women.

Also, open bar for at least twenty minutes meant that I got a nice drink and ended up feeling just fine.


Now I'm hearing word that The Beatles and sons will be playing at the Microsoft press conference starting... right now! Watch it here now!

E3 2009

Why hello there. It's nice to see you at my own personal blog. I've had several in the past, but none ever became what I wanted them to become. This shall be the blog to end all blogs (of my own doing).

E3 2009 is just around the corner, and by corner I mean 'Monday.' I will be in attendance, and I will have live, up to date posts on my twitter (@agentoneal). Later in the evening, I will have detailed posts about what I was forced to do, what I chose to do, and there will be pictures to violate your eyes. I mean real eye rape here. I'm going to get down and dirty with these photos.

Also, keep in mind that this will be a video gaming blog. I will report on whatever I see fit, and you will read it because you're addicted to that kind of news. Also, know that I'm not the best video gamer. I lose constantly to other players, I suck at PVP on WoW, and generally I'm a bad sport when I get my ass kicked in 2-D fighters. But I love video games. It's something that I can't explain. I mean, I've had my stay overs in battered video gamer's shelters before but I just keep coming back to my abusive 360.

I'm also going to have a tagline, or a catch phrase I like to say to end all of my posts. I'm thinking it'll probably be "Wham, bam, thank you sir!"

So, until the next update, this is Chris O'Neal signing off with a wham, bam, thank you sir!